I absolutely love journaling. Always have. From a very young age, I found that writing out my thoughts really helped sort out my chaotic brain and overzealous emotions. In recent years, I have begun writing a letter to myself reflecting over the past year. I began last year sharing an excerpt of my letter with you all. I do this, because 1) I think the human race needs vulnerability 2) I hope that someone can benefit from my mistakes and difficulties and 3) I want to take off the mask I often wear that disguises me as having it together, when it’s quite obvious I don’t. After all, we are in this crazy, difficult life together.
Dear Savannah,
Last year, I wrote to you going over the things that you learned in 2017. I talked about the faith you had in starting your own business. I spoke of the things that you could have never known when you said “YES” to pursuing photography. And all of the words I wrote to you were true and they were amazing things…exciting things, in fact. And 2018 proved to be no different as you grew and fell even more in love with your clients and this path.
However, things were just as equally difficult as they were exciting. Personally and professionally. Being true to your nature, you began to sink into a monotonous way of life taking out the mystery and the excitement. There would be moments of happiness and new things to try that would keep your interest for a while, but your fear of not being perfect and the months of comparison paralyzed you. This is typically how things go for you. Out of the gate, things are new and exciting and you exceed all expectations, but then after awhile the bar has been set and you begin to see yourself falling short here and there and then eventually you feel like you will never reach it again. It is scary and dark and lonely. Also, it’s completely natural to have these ups and downs both in your personal and professional life, but its not always easy to see the same in those lives around us especially with social media, but if you are being truly honest with yourself, it is even hard to see the same struggle in those lives that are being lived right in front of you.
Thankfully, valleys do not last forever. (Otherwise, they would be plains.) In fact, about half through the year, you started to climb back up. There were many weeks when you fell back down and had to start over, but then you just kept climbing and kept fighting. And that is when you truly began to feel God’s tugging as he helped you out of the valley into a place of hope. You started not only listening to those around you trying to help, but also, reaching out and asking for help. You started going to counseling, which has been one of the best decisions of your life. You started to realize that you are the one that can change the way things are. You realized you didn’t have to do this alone. You began to talk to others about your journey and it soon became apparent that you weren’t alone in a lot of the things you are struggling with. You saw that you were the one setting such a high, unrealistic standard and you were the one requiring yourself to reach it every single time. You started to see that you had taken this path toward striving for this goal that you didn’t even want in the first place. You started understanding true grace and how to give it to yourself…and others. You are realizing that people are all around you offering love, but you will never feel it in full until you love “current” you, not just “future” you. You are now starting to step out of your comfort zone and change things that you never even considered needed changing. You are starting to search for that direction that you so desperately long for. You are realizing that all of God’s promises to you are not just something you arrive at and then you are done, it’s a continuous gift that will continue give and grow you. And you ARE growing and changing. You are preparing for even bigger change. And the absolute beauty of all of this is that most of these things just started a month and a half ago.
So yes, you are still in the thick of it. And yes, you will continue to discover things and continue to make changes. And yes, you will still fall and/or stall at times. (And yes, that is perfectly okay.) And yes, it is hard. Actually, very, very hard, but also very, very promising and exciting. So, chin up, ‘cause you have some work to do!
Love forever,
Savannah
*To anyone that may be struggling with a valley or even if you just feel stuck, I CANNOT encourage you enough to seek out someone to talk to. It has, honestly, been one of the best things for me. I have realized things that I most likely would have never discovered that I do to myself or that I feel. I am not saying its easy. In fact, its terrifying (and I am girl who likes emotions), but I guarantee you if you find the right person it will be so freeing. Life doesn’t have to be a struggle we go through by ourselves struggling with things that we could change. I am certain your life looks very different than mine with your own set of struggles, but it doesn’t mean no one will understand or that you have to be alone. I will leave you with a simple, yet jam packed quote from the movie The Switch, “Life is in session.”