"I am empty." Those were the words that came out of my mouth during a conversation this morning with my dear friend, Tifani. I didn't even know that is what I was feeling until I said it. I continued by telling her that the last year and a half, the last few weeks, and the last days had me completely running on empty. An empty that I have only felt a few times before. It isn’t from doing too much and not taking the time to rest. This empty is deep within me with a hurting heart for all those in the past few weeks that have had devastating news. Everything feels out of whack and for a person, who loves control, that is exhausting. I finished by saying, “Not only am I empty, but it seems like everyone else is as well. And we keep trying to pour into each other, but there is very little left to give… if anything at all. So even being with those, who normally can help fill me up to some degree, it doesn’t work and vice versa for them. In fact, I tend to feel a bit more confused and lost afterwards.” She held me, listened, agreed, and let me cry, which really is all I ever truly need to center me again. And I must admit I left feeling a little lighter knowing I wasn’t alone. (Thank goodness for my people!) I got in my car. A random Spotify worship playlist I had playing previously automatically started. I was zoned out and I started driving home. I have no idea what song played first, but the second caught my attention with the lyrics, “Lord, my cup is empty.” The song, Overflow by Red Rocks Worship sang the words of my desperate heart. I have never heard this song before though it has been out for several years, though I am listening to this Spotify playlist constantly, and though I am a huge fan of Red Rocks Worship. In my car on the way home from church, God used an old song on a jam packed playlist to give my heart the words it needed to pray. Showing me that this emptiness can only be filled with Him.
Tell me that God isn’t real… tell me that He isn’t in pursuit of us… tell me that He isn’t multidimensional, all knowing, and insanely in love with us… and I will tell you that I have been there, but now I believe you are incorrect, because over the last several months God has lovingly whispered to me in various ways similar to how he did today. In the most recent of months, I have been on an hour by hour rollercoaster emotionally and spiritually. You see I lost sight of God last fall and winter. I didn’t know where He was or if He was even a present God and if He was if He was even good. I played the part I have been taught to play, but my heart was questioning and hurting. The light felt gone forever or so I thought. My tender heart had absorbed too many blows from all the devastating noise around me in the world. I was empty then, too, I just didn’t know how to admit to it, so I just kept pushing through filling it with work, my dearest people, and attempts of control. Go figure when it didn’t work and beautiful things in my life, which I dearly loved, began to fall apart. In that moment, I thought the falling apart was the worst of it, which resulted in feeling even more empty than before, but in fact, it was exactly then in the quiet emptiness that God’s whispers reached me and have continued to reach me over the last few months.
“I have learned to kiss the waves that throw me up against the Rock of Ages.”
I don’t share this story with you, because I did everything right and I have it figured out. In fact, I share, because I don’t. The personal things I have been wrestling with, honestly, seem to pale greatly in comparison to the things others are going through. Nevertheless, it has been a difficult time for me and thankfully depleting my personal strength and self-reliance. Feeling God’s presence over the last few months has happened in the highest of highs and in the screaming and crying of the lowest of lows. Some days, it is difficult to even open my Bible, especially when the world is hurting like it is right now, echoing every feeling inside me. Everything still seems out of control and the pile of devastation, hatred, and loss just seems to grow. My tender heart once again is hurting not just for me, but for all of those around me. It can seem at times as though God is sitting back and letting everything fall apart, but maybe… just maybe this is in fact when we will hear His whispers of love. Sin and evil are the cause the destruction. Why certain horrible things happen and others don’t are not for me to know or even to try to figure out. (Though that is difficult for me to even say and admit.) The only thing I know today is that God is real and God is, in fact, in control. I believe our God is not a do-nothing god, but a personal God whispering His promises to each of us in a very unique way designed specifically for us. We just need a tiny amount of faith to be willing to listen carefully. Then and only then can we truly be filled in a world hurting like ours.
If you doubt or are mad at or have days where God is the last one you want to be in communication with, you are not alone. There are many of us, who have those days and months as well, but no worries, our God is greater than any emotion or doubt that we have. He can handle it and He is just waiting on you to hand it over. Praying all of the things I feel, want to yell, or even when I don’t know what I feel, has been the greatest outlet I have had. Thankfully, prayer is one of the things I can offer on your behalf, so if you need specific prayers or just prayers over it all, please let me know that. Friend, emptiness doesn’t mean the end and God is not done with you or me. Promise.
All of my best,
Savannah
Listen or read the lyrics to Overflow below. So, so good!
"Overflow"
Red Rocks Worship
Lord, I've come to my end
Out of shadows I see Your hand
I believe what You said
That You're not done with me
I know You always make a way
I know You've always stayed the same
I believe what You said
That You're not done with me
Though my hands may fail
And though my heart may stray
Your promises remain
So I come to You, 'cause...
Lord, my cup is empty
Lord, my cup is empty
Fill me with Your Spirit
To overflow, to overflow
Lord, my cup is empty
Lord, my cup is empty
Fill me with Your Spirit
To overflow, to overflow
I don't want to move until You move
I don't want to speak until You do
I rid myself of all but You
'Cause You're not done with me
And though my hands may fail
And though my heart may stray
Your promises remain
So I come to You, 'cause...
Lord, my cup is empty
Lord, my cup is empty
Fill me with Your Spirit
To overflow, to overflow
Lord, my cup is empty
Lord, my cup is empty
Fill me with Your Spirit
To overflow, to overflow
To overflow, yeah
'Cause I believe...
You're good, You're good
You're good and You will always be
You're good, You're good
You're good and You will always be
You're here with me
And I trust Your heart, 'cause I believe
That You're good, You're good
You're good, oooh!...
Lord, my cup is empty
Lord, my cup is empty
Fill me with Your Spirit
To overflow, to overflow
Lord, my cup is empty
Lord, my cup is empty
Fill me with Your Spirit
To overflow, to overflow...
To overflow
Oh we need You more
You're good, Lord
We give You praise
We give You praise
You're worthy, Lord